The one thing I don't regret,
by Kashino Chiyuki-chan
Summary: Post COLS, Alec doesn't know what to do after Magnus leaves him. He knew it was his fault, and he knew he was sorry, but he didn't know how he could forgive himself, let alone have Magnus forgive him. But will Magnus forgive him before he looses Alec for good. May go up to M. Warning: Self ham, attempted suicide, and Major Feels.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: this is my first Malec fanfiction, and I know it's short for now, but if people like it I will make sure to update soon. CC owns everything. Also, fun fact, I wrote this at 3 in the morning at a girl scout camp. Enjoy!**

It's been two weeks now since Magnus and I broke up, and I had barely eaten anything. I wasn't really hungry, but both my head and my heart hurt. I just sat there in my floor, I could hear Izzy banging on the door.  
"Alec, open up, please!" She begged.  
"Go away! I want to be left alone!" I pleaded, and soon, the banging ceased. I tried to peel myself off the floor, slowly stalking over to my tidy desk. On it sat a picture of Magnus and me in Italy, we were smiling as if nothing could tear us apart.  
Except me, I thought hopelessly, I had done this, I had betrayed Magnus.  
There, sitting next to the picture was a dagger, about five inches long, and an inch wide, it was a blade that Magnus had given me, the pain in my chest felt like I had been stabbed with it. I brought my hand down over it, and tightly gripped the handle, lifting it to my face. It was sharp enough to do the trick.  
Next, I saw the pen and paper, on the paper was the start of a letter to Magnus, I lifted the pen, continuing the letter.

* * *

_ Dear Magnus,_  
_ Since the moment I met you, I thought you were beautiful, the most dazzling person I knew, and when you said that you liked me. I thought, Why, I was nothing special, nothing that you hadn't seen before. But, before I knew it, you had made me feel special, like I was one of a kind, but the truth is, I'm nothing different, I'm a coward. I wear clothes that make me look homeless. I never knew how you could have liked me, and I realize now I never will. _

_Oh, and Magnus, I want to say I'm sorry, for hurting you. For betraying your trust, and for letting you get hurt like that. However, if there is one thing I'm not sorry for, it's loving you. You made me see the whole world differently, and for that I am grateful. I don't regret it at all, I loved you and I wouldn't change that for anything._  
_ I will always love you,_  
_ Alec_

* * *

After I finished writing I put the pen down and folded the note, placing it back down on the desk. I inched over to my bed, sitting down gingerly, and placing the dagger on the soft flesh of my wrist, it was cool to the touch, and the feeling made me flinch. I felt tears in my eyes, and as I pulled the blade against my flesh I allowed them to fall, not bothering to wipe them away. I let out a broken sob, and laid down on the bed. As I bled, I let my eyes slip closed, and give way to darkness, the last thing I remember before falling unconscious was warm hands, and a familiar accent yelling at me.  
"Alec! You idiot!"


	2. Chapter 2

When Izzy had called me, all I wanted to do was hang up the phone. I didn't need reminders of the boy I loved, he was the only thing on my mind this whole time. But when I answered the phone, all I heard was a panicked Izzy, and a few sobs. Then, it seemed as if my whole world stopped when I heard those words.  
"Please, Alec, h-he, don't let him do it, he's trying to kill himself." After that all that followed were sobs, not that I noticed as I was already half way out the door. The entire trip to the Institute went by in a blur, and when I burst through the doors, no one had time to react as I rushed to Alec's room.  
The door was locked, but that didn't even slow me down, I burst through it, and into his room. The first thing I saw was Alec, lying peacefully on the bed, and the second thing I saw was blood. To much blood, it was coming out of my loves body at an alarming pace, his already pale skin was deathly pale, without the slightest tint of color.  
I rushed to his aid, firmly placing my hand on his bleeding wrist, placing all of my power in to him, in hopes that the blood might stop flowing. It worked, but the cut was still open. I grabbed his motionless body, and shook it.  
"Alec, you Idiot!" I heard myself scream, as I lifted him off his blood soaked bed. As I brought him over to the couch, I saw a note fall to the floor off his desk, I ignored it for now, trying to focus on helping my beautiful lover.  
I zapped in the needle and surgical string, and got to work on sewing up his cut wrist. After I finished, I cleaned off the blood, and that's when I saw them, the scars, everywhere. They were like angry frowns, yelling at Magnus, telling me that it was my fault. It was my fault that Alec was like this. And that thought made me break, I felt tears fall from my eyes, and I grabbed on to his now blood soaked sweatshirt, holding it for dear life.  
"I'm sorry, Alec, love, this is all my fault." I sobbed, cradling his broken body in my arms, his heartbeat was slow, almost gone, and his skin was chill to the touch. And worst of all, he weighed nothing, like he hadn't eaten since the break up. He had bags under his eyes, his gorgeous cobalt eyes. I prayed that I would be able to see them again. To see them look at me with love, and affection. To see his smile again, and to see them for the rest of his life. I needed Alec more than I needed air.  
After I had run out of tears, I set Alec down, and made my way over to the fallen piece of paper, wonder getting the best of me. When I unfolded and read it, I felt my heart shatter.  
"Alexander, why would you do this? Why would you try to kill yourself knowing that I loved you?" I knew I wasn't going to be getting any answers yet, but I still asked.  
As I looked back again at my beautiful shadowhunter, I shuddered. I made my way over to him, and laid down on the couch with him, wrapping my arms around his waist, his thin, fragile, waist. I kissed his hair, and slowly, together with the love of my life I fell asleep.

**A/N: This is not the end, only the beginning, I have a lot of Angst up my sleeve, and I apologize for the late update, I just got caught up in other things. I own nothing, all rights go to CC. Hope to see you all again soon.**

** R&R please, Love,**

** Momiji**


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay, so this is real short, but I get a break because I'm on Vacation. So, have fun! P.S. I own nothing!**

I awoke when a slight moan came from beside me, and felt a shift on the couch. I glanced over at Alec and saw his eyes flutter open, his beautiful blue eyes. His eyes slowly turned to me, and his expression changed from one of peace to one of utter fear. Before I could say anything all I saw was Alec shot off the couch, and to his bed.  
"Alec, sweets, calm down." I whispered in the calmest tone I could. His eyes flashed everywhere, and all I saw was Alec crumble in front of me.  
"Your- your not supposed to be here, I'm not supposed to be here. I can't be here." He stumbled over his own words. His eyes searched his bed, looking for something. He moved quickly and grabbed the knife off his bed. He placed it down on his wrist, and began to slide it, I grabbed his wrist, and smacked the knife out of his hand.  
"Why are you doing this?" I asked.  
"Let go! Magnus, let go! Your the one who left me!" He had tears in his eyes, "Dammit Magnus, why are you stopping me? You left me, why are you acting like you care?" The tears were streaming down his face. My heart shattered, seeing my love so broken.  
"No, no, Alec, I love you, I'll always love you." I cried, pulling him into a tight hug. "Alec, why would you try to kill yourself knowing that I still loved you?" I asked, holding him tight, trying to shelter him from all the bad things in this world. He was shaking like a leaf, and he tried to push away from me, but he was to weak, holding him for the first time in weeks I noticed how much weight he had lost.  
"Why did you have to leave me? I'm sorry, I don't want to die, Magnus, I love you."  
"Shh, Shh, I know, I love you too." I held him, and in that moment it seemed as if everything that had happened over the past few weeks never happened. He was crying and shaking, begging me not to leave him. I never realized how much it had effected him when I left. I never realized that he needed me as much as I needed him.  
"Magnus, I-I'm sorry!" he sobbed, begging me to forgive him. "I-I'm scared, and I don't want to be alone, I want you to hold me," Alec was being so honest, it would be adorable, if it were in any other situation than this one. I looked down at him, his normally bottle blue eyes, a stormy grey, all of his emotions shown on his face. "Please forgive me, please don't leave me alone again." I nodded, agreeing to everything.  
"I'm sorry to Alec, I wont leave you again, I need you, I love you." I was close to tears now. I held Alec like that, listening to his sobs, and waiting for them to die down before saying anything else, eventually the sobs gave way to shuttering breaths and then to silent breathing. I looked down to see that Alec had cried himself to sleep. I kissed his forehead, and laid him down on the couch, sitting down next to his curled up body.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Okay, to start off, an apology. I'm sorry that it has been so long since****an update and I really fon't have a reason other then plotting problems. I come to you now with this new chapter and a request (Begging really) Please read my new fanfic Acrobats. (It's another Malec) and if you like it, favorite it so that I can win a contest against a girl who I have been trying to beat ant anything since 4th grade. Thank you! PS: Rating has gone up. Rated M.**

**Magnus' POV:**

How much I missed Alec was almost more than I could bear, and seeing him so broken like that I wanted to cry out in my own anguish. Why did he sound like he didn't think I loved him, I never stopped loving him, and probably never will. I wanted to see him smile again, see him laugh, to feel his lips on mine. I needed that more than anything else in the world, more than I needed air, or food, or water.

More than anything I needed Alec.

I snuggled closer to him, holding him in a tight embrace.

"Magnus..." It was bearly a whisper, faint but there. Alec had said my name. "I'm sorry..." He apologized in his sleep, stiring slightly. By now it was nearly midnight. I heard a rumble and after a moment realized it was Alec's stomach.

"Alec, sweet," I shook his shoulder lightly, his eyes fluttered open, allowing me to see their cobalt beauty.

"Hmmm?" He asked still half asleep. "Hungry," He stated like a child, I giggled slightly at that. He rubbed his eyes and looked up at me. Then he smiled, which took me as a suprise.

"I like it when I dream about you." He said, his eyes lighting up. "I like seeing the you that isn't mad and that still loves me." He said. Then, even more shocking, he leans over and kisses me, right on the lips. I quckly return the kiss, pulling him foward and on to my lap, wraping my arms around his waist.

"Alec," I breathed when we split from the kiss. "It's not a dream, but I'm not angry with you, I love you." I kissed him again. "I love you so much." I pushed him down, kissing his neck. I lifted one of his arms, wincing at the cuts that stood out on his pale skin so noticably.

"Magnus," He moaned, begging for me to continue.

"I will only go furthur if you promise not to do this anymore." I scolded. Alec just looked at me for a moment, before nodding, tears in his eyes.

"I won't, I love you Magnus, don't leave me." He begged, wraping his arms around my neck.

I kissed him again, this time deeper, more passionate. I licked his lower lip asking for entrance. He happily gave it to me, opening his mouth and letting me kiss every crevasse. I was just kissing him, and he was getting impatient, he placed both of his hands under my shirt, lifting it up. I felt my body grow hot. I needed this, we both did.

(Que the hot make up sex)

I pushed him down, lifting off his sweatshirt, I kissed down his neck until I reached his nipples. I took one in my mouth, playing with the other. Alec let out the most adorable sounds.

"Mag... Stop." He said, I knew he didn't really want me to stop. I moved lower, dipping my tongue into his belly button, before moving even lower. I grabbed a hold of his pants, pulling them loose and off. His member was standing fully at attention, begging for affection. I took it into my mouth, sucking it lightly. Even this small movement made Alec cry out pleasure.

"Magnus! More!" he begged. I stopped what I was doing and placed 3 fingers in front of his face, he carefully took them in his mouth, coating them with saliva. When he was finished I pulled them out, lining one up with his hole. I began to press in, Alec stiffened but only for a moment before relaxing. I placed the other two in, scissoring them and pumping them in and out.

When Alec was loose enough I lined up with his hole, ramming in quickly, unable to resist. He cried out in a mix of pain and pleasure.

**Alec's POV:**

At first I thought it was a dream, it was to good to be true, but when he began to kiss me I knew it was real. And when he finally took me, I felt my body cry out at his very touch. He started off slow, going all the way in and coming out a few inches before pushing back in. It wasn't enough, I needed more, I needed proof that he was here, and that he wasn't leaving me.

"More!" I begged again, grabbing for Magnus behind me. He pulled completely out and slammed in to me again, this continued at different angles until I felt it hit something inside me. I cried out in absolute pleasure, and I saw stars.

"There, god, right there!" I heard myself scream, I could feel Magnus smirk. He rammed it again, and again, mercilessly, until eventually I came all over the couch, crying out his name. I was passed out before I even hit the cushions.

I just hoped this meant he forgave me.


End file.
